Being the object of everyone’s attention gets exhausting after a while. Maybe that’s why America is taking more than its fare share of shots of late.
Since time immemorial it seems the USA was the world leader in, well, just about everything. Recently the world has been catching up by leaps and bounds. The European Union is tied with America for GDP, and China and India are closing fast. American cars are being outsold everywhere. Columbia’s Shakira tops the music charts. The most anticipated movie of the year is a British film about a Kazakhstani newsman named Borat. Yup, it has been catch-up time for a while, and in many, many things America has been passed.
Even in what they used to be able to always count on: sports.
In the world of fun and games, it has been U-S-A, U-S-A, dating back a hundred years almost. Now? Not so much.
Be it any of the name games - baseball, basketball or golf - the former dominant nation is playing second fiddle or worse. The only exception is football, and that’s because the American brand of football isn’t as popular elsewhere as futbol is, what Americans call soccer.
It’s been a long spring and summer of discontent sports (and other) wise for Americans. It all began with the game an American invented, baseball. In March in San Diego Japan defeated Cuba to win the championship of the World Baseball Classic. The 3-3 American team lost one game to Mexico, another to Korea and another to Canada.
Canada!
Duke's Mike Krzyzewski and most of the top pros in the NBA took on the world in another game invented there, basketball. (Well, sort of - James Naismith was a Canadian, but his first peach basket was used in Massachusetts). Spain won the gold medal at the 2006 FIBA World Championship. The U.S. men lost to Greece.
Greece!
The world gathered in Germany to settle the question, who was best at the silly sport we know as soccer. The answer: anybody but the Americans, who failed to win a single game.All four of tennis’ majors were thrillers – but not a single American raised a single singles trophy in victory. Switzerland, France, Russia, Spain and Belgium dominated.
Belgium!
And finally there is golf. The Ryder Cup put a cap on this summer-long sporting swoon. Tiger Woods is clearly the best golfer in the world – and by a long shot. However, those American’s who follow him aren’t even close to imitating his act.
Over the weekend at the K Club in Ireland, records were falling left-rough, right-rough and never center cut. For the first time a team won all five sessions of the competition, and it wasn’t the Americans who did it. They could only manage to win 21% of their matches. In golf a Mendoza line winning percentage is more than just embarrassing, it’s pathetic. It left flabbergasted team captain Tom Lehman asking journalists if they had any answers as to why Team USA sucked so bad.
None of the wordsmiths did.
All that’s left for the poor American’s to dominate is the NFL – because no one else seems that interested in taking it up – and NASCAR. The good ‘ol Amurican boys in their multi-colored racing suits remain unchallenged on the international stage. Yup – the ‘ol red, white and blue is the force in racing cars with fenders. So, at leaset they’ve got that going for them.
Until they don’t of course. This week former Indianapolis 500 champion, Juan Pablo Montoya made his first test run at the Talladega Superspeedway.
A Columbian in NASCAR?
I hope in the South they serve tacos as well.
Say it ain’t so Juan.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Joke of the Day
Jimmy goes to see his computer genius friend Charlie, in his office. The first thing he notices is a really sexy looking secretary who leads him into Charlie’s room.
Charlie is busy working on his computer. "Hey Charlie, how ya doin’ my man?" He says, "When did you hire your new secretary?
She’s hot." "Oh I didn’t hire her, I actually develped her." replies Charlie, still working on his computer, "She’s a robot." "Are you serious?" says Jimmy with a whistle, "She moves and talks just like a real girl."
"Yeah, and that’s not all. She makes coffee, does my filing and I can fuck her all I want." replies Charlie with a smile, "In fact, you can take her to the next room and give her a fuck yourself. She’s really good."
"FUCK" Laughs Jimmy and taking the secretay’s hand, he drags her into the next room, intent on fucking the daylights out of her. Soon afterwards, there’s a loud scream from Jimmy.
"Oh Hell," Says Charlie, "I forgot to tell him her asshole is a pencil sharpener."
Charlie is busy working on his computer. "Hey Charlie, how ya doin’ my man?" He says, "When did you hire your new secretary?
She’s hot." "Oh I didn’t hire her, I actually develped her." replies Charlie, still working on his computer, "She’s a robot." "Are you serious?" says Jimmy with a whistle, "She moves and talks just like a real girl."
"Yeah, and that’s not all. She makes coffee, does my filing and I can fuck her all I want." replies Charlie with a smile, "In fact, you can take her to the next room and give her a fuck yourself. She’s really good."
"FUCK" Laughs Jimmy and taking the secretay’s hand, he drags her into the next room, intent on fucking the daylights out of her. Soon afterwards, there’s a loud scream from Jimmy.
"Oh Hell," Says Charlie, "I forgot to tell him her asshole is a pencil sharpener."
Monday, September 25, 2006
Joke of the Day
Vancouver Zoo in had acquired a female gorilla named Pernell. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed a dumb labor worker named Cam Powell responsible for building crap around the zoo.
Cam Powell had little sense, but so the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. The Zoo was approached Powell with a proposition: Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Cam showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Cam announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don’t want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was. "Well," said Cam "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed a dumb labor worker named Cam Powell responsible for building crap around the zoo.
Cam Powell had little sense, but so the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. The Zoo was approached Powell with a proposition: Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Cam showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Cam announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don’t want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was. "Well," said Cam "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
Friday, September 15, 2006
Betting on Stupidity Really Can Pay Off
For once, being a brainless buffoon could actually pay dividends.
In a truly unique betting opportunity, online wagering giant betED.com is offering a chance to place wagers on the world’s most idiotic acts, as odds are now available for the 2006 World Stupidity Awards (www.stupidityawards.com).
Bettors can put money down on who they think will win such categories as Stupidest Man of the Year, an award in which one nominee is Oklahoma district court judge Donald Thompson, who operated a powerful penis pump beneath his robes during three trials while they were in session.
Perhaps surprisingly, Thompson is not the favorite (+300).
Other nominees for Stupidest Man of the year are: Dick Cheney - Vice President of the U.S. (+125); Michael Brown, Former Director of FEMA (+200); Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran (+220); Kim Jong IL, North Korean Dictator (+230).
The annual World Stupidity Awards, now in its 4th year, salute achievement in stupidity and ignorance. The awards are organized by ARSE - The Academy Recognizing Stupidity Everywhere – in conjunction with New York publisher Disinformation.
“The Romans had coliseums; the Egyptians had pyramids, we have stupidity,” said official World Stupidity Awards Spokes Moron, Robert Spence. “With all that we know today, the fact that we can rush into wars, destroy our planet, and act like complete idiots, and then, be proud of it, shows we’re in an era of superstupidity.”
Another category is Stupidest Trend of the Year. The nominees, with their odds, are: Ass Cleavage (+150); Killing People for God (+150); Killing People (+180); WW III (+350); Post Reality TV Reality TV (+400).
There’s also the Dumbest Moment of the Year award, which features these deserving nominees: Vice President Dick Cheney shoots friend (-120); Zinedine Zidane head butts Marco Materazzi in the World Cup final and is ejected (+180); Protesters violently demonstrate against the Danish Mohammed cartoons (+250); Danish Newspaper Jyllands-Posten publishes the controversial Mohammed cartoons (+300); Britney Spears speeds with her baby's head close to steering wheel (+400).
Other categories include: Stupidest Movie of the Year; Media Outlet which has Best Furthered Ignorance; Being Most Out of Touch with Reality; and Reckless Endangerment of the Planet.
To place a bet on stupidity, go to www.betED.com and click on Entertainment Props under Hot Props or link directly to http://www.beted.com/lines.aspx?l=Other
The awards will be announced Sept. 20.
In a truly unique betting opportunity, online wagering giant betED.com is offering a chance to place wagers on the world’s most idiotic acts, as odds are now available for the 2006 World Stupidity Awards (www.stupidityawards.com).
Bettors can put money down on who they think will win such categories as Stupidest Man of the Year, an award in which one nominee is Oklahoma district court judge Donald Thompson, who operated a powerful penis pump beneath his robes during three trials while they were in session.
Perhaps surprisingly, Thompson is not the favorite (+300).
Other nominees for Stupidest Man of the year are: Dick Cheney - Vice President of the U.S. (+125); Michael Brown, Former Director of FEMA (+200); Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran (+220); Kim Jong IL, North Korean Dictator (+230).
The annual World Stupidity Awards, now in its 4th year, salute achievement in stupidity and ignorance. The awards are organized by ARSE - The Academy Recognizing Stupidity Everywhere – in conjunction with New York publisher Disinformation.
“The Romans had coliseums; the Egyptians had pyramids, we have stupidity,” said official World Stupidity Awards Spokes Moron, Robert Spence. “With all that we know today, the fact that we can rush into wars, destroy our planet, and act like complete idiots, and then, be proud of it, shows we’re in an era of superstupidity.”
Another category is Stupidest Trend of the Year. The nominees, with their odds, are: Ass Cleavage (+150); Killing People for God (+150); Killing People (+180); WW III (+350); Post Reality TV Reality TV (+400).
There’s also the Dumbest Moment of the Year award, which features these deserving nominees: Vice President Dick Cheney shoots friend (-120); Zinedine Zidane head butts Marco Materazzi in the World Cup final and is ejected (+180); Protesters violently demonstrate against the Danish Mohammed cartoons (+250); Danish Newspaper Jyllands-Posten publishes the controversial Mohammed cartoons (+300); Britney Spears speeds with her baby's head close to steering wheel (+400).
Other categories include: Stupidest Movie of the Year; Media Outlet which has Best Furthered Ignorance; Being Most Out of Touch with Reality; and Reckless Endangerment of the Planet.
To place a bet on stupidity, go to www.betED.com and click on Entertainment Props under Hot Props or link directly to http://www.beted.com/lines.aspx?l=Other
The awards will be announced Sept. 20.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
“Who is the greatest athlete in the world?”
“Who is the greatest athlete in the world?”
That is the one question that has been asked since there has been this thing we call sports. Okay, maybe there are two eternal sports questions, the other being “where can I bet on that?”
This week people have been asking that question again due to a meeting in New York between perhaps the best player the game of golf has ever seen, and arguably the greatest tennis player of all time.
Watching Roger Federer decimate the field at the U.S. Open over the weekend was remarkable mostly due to the ease that he demonstrated in doing it. Seeing him collapse in what appeared to be relief as his final winner whizzed past a completely overmatched Andy Roddick, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was faking it. He had to be putting on a show there at the end, because it looked like he’d scarcely broken a sweat over the two weeks.
John McEnroe, who was calling the match on the tube, suggested that Tiger Woods be the one who should present the trophy, implying he was the only one in the world who was qualified.
Woods, who has struck up a recent friendship with Federer, was there watching from Federer’s box.
Since these two icons of the recent sports history were so perfectly juxtaposed, it is impossible for me not to try to make a case for whom I think really is the greatest athlete in the world today.
The two likeliest candidates are Woods and Federer.
Woods has had quite the summer run. After missing the cut in a major for the first time in his career at the golf’s version of the U.S. Open, he came back with a vengeance. Winning two majors and five straight tournaments, he’s so far ahead in the world rankings, dividing his 22.8 point total in two would give him both the first and second spots, with Jim Furyk a distant third with only 8.99. With 12 majors already in his career, Woods is second in the all-time list behind Jack Nicklaus' 18.
Most concede now that it’s a matter of “when,” not “if” that he catches the Golden Bear’s total.
Federer has been just as impressive. He’s won Wimbledon the past four years, the U.S. Open the past three, and the Australian Open twice for a total of nine majors. That puts Federer sixth in the career tennis major standings, needing five more slams to catch Pete Sampras. Sampras admitted his record is going to be not just broken, but smashed.
Woods has set the title bar so high, and at a remarkably early age. He’s reached his majors total three full years ahead of anyone else.
So – digesting all those numbers – who truly is the greatest?
Drum roll please….
Jim Toop
Jim Toop you say? Well this guy was a miracle soccer player up until grade 9 and than the beer started. Now he’s fat and milks cows.
Ok OK I’m kidding.
I have no idea who the greatest is and either should you…
But it is an interesting debate anyways huh?
That is the one question that has been asked since there has been this thing we call sports. Okay, maybe there are two eternal sports questions, the other being “where can I bet on that?”
This week people have been asking that question again due to a meeting in New York between perhaps the best player the game of golf has ever seen, and arguably the greatest tennis player of all time.
Watching Roger Federer decimate the field at the U.S. Open over the weekend was remarkable mostly due to the ease that he demonstrated in doing it. Seeing him collapse in what appeared to be relief as his final winner whizzed past a completely overmatched Andy Roddick, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was faking it. He had to be putting on a show there at the end, because it looked like he’d scarcely broken a sweat over the two weeks.
John McEnroe, who was calling the match on the tube, suggested that Tiger Woods be the one who should present the trophy, implying he was the only one in the world who was qualified.
Woods, who has struck up a recent friendship with Federer, was there watching from Federer’s box.
Since these two icons of the recent sports history were so perfectly juxtaposed, it is impossible for me not to try to make a case for whom I think really is the greatest athlete in the world today.
The two likeliest candidates are Woods and Federer.
Woods has had quite the summer run. After missing the cut in a major for the first time in his career at the golf’s version of the U.S. Open, he came back with a vengeance. Winning two majors and five straight tournaments, he’s so far ahead in the world rankings, dividing his 22.8 point total in two would give him both the first and second spots, with Jim Furyk a distant third with only 8.99. With 12 majors already in his career, Woods is second in the all-time list behind Jack Nicklaus' 18.
Most concede now that it’s a matter of “when,” not “if” that he catches the Golden Bear’s total.
Federer has been just as impressive. He’s won Wimbledon the past four years, the U.S. Open the past three, and the Australian Open twice for a total of nine majors. That puts Federer sixth in the career tennis major standings, needing five more slams to catch Pete Sampras. Sampras admitted his record is going to be not just broken, but smashed.
Woods has set the title bar so high, and at a remarkably early age. He’s reached his majors total three full years ahead of anyone else.
So – digesting all those numbers – who truly is the greatest?
Drum roll please….
Jim Toop
Jim Toop you say? Well this guy was a miracle soccer player up until grade 9 and than the beer started. Now he’s fat and milks cows.
Ok OK I’m kidding.
I have no idea who the greatest is and either should you…
But it is an interesting debate anyways huh?
Monday, September 11, 2006
NFL Starts
Last week I prattled on for an entire column explaining why I thought hockey and soccer was better than the NFL.
Now that the NFL is here… I say Stan, you ignorant slut.
That and the many hate mails and death threats I received from people. (Thanks Mom)
Before I go into me weekly tirade, I like to point out and say congratulations to my friend who got married over the weekend. I have never seen a bride with a better rake. My buddy Paul was parading her off like a show pony. Good luck with those fun bags.
The NFL is a masterpiece.
Tune in opening night Thursday and we get to see the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers take on the Miami Dolphins. Who is the underdog? According to betED.com – nobody. The first game is a pick-em and will be presented before our adoring eyes in a tight three-hour super-produced package. At the end of it all, the loser won’t have to start dreaming about next season. They have a chance to pick themselves up over the rest of this season and go for the Super Bowl.
NFL teams have to actually fight through a defined playoff system, which in itself is hard to get into Last season the Pittsburgh Steelers’ victory over the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl was watched in an average of 45.85 million homes, the second-highest total in television history.
45.85 million homes can’t be wrong.
Now – the obligatory predictions. I figure the best way to discern who will win it all come next February 4th is to first decide who won’t...
You can dump Tennessee, St. Louis, Houston, Minnesota, New Orleans, New York Jets, Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit, Green Bay, Oakland and San Francisco. If you are a fan, no offense… (Or defense for that matter).
Both Kansas and Arizona have plenty of the former, but little of the latter, so they’re both done. Except for Tom Brady, New England no-star moniker has finally come true. Out. Baltimore has Steve McNair now, so he should be injured by week two. Buh-bye. Maybe Miami? A weird stat is no home team has ever won a Super Bowl, and stats don’t lie. Both Jacksonville and Cincinnati’s owners must have said or done something wrong at the annual meetings, ‘cause their schedules are brutal. Tampa Bay has a great defense, but they are almost older than I am. Atlanta can run with their QB, but can’t stop anyone running at them. San Diego has the great LaDainian Tomlinson, but their QB is someone named Phillip Rivers.
Next goes the kiss of death teams. Carolina got the nod from Sports Illustrated - so they are goners. Seattle’s Shaun Alexander is on the cover of Madden 2007 – so he’ll be out before thanksgiving. Ben Roethlisberger is spending more time in the hospital than the practice field so the defending champs are toast. Terrell Owens is being Terrell Owens so the Cowboys aren’t going anywhere. Payton Manning is missing his running back and his brother hasn’t been to the post-season so the Colts and Giants are both finished.
So that leaves the Bears as the NFC Champions and Denver in the AFC.
The Bears have both the best and youngest defense in the NFL, but that won’t be enough for Jake Plummer and the balanced Broncos.
Denver 28 – Chicago 10
Sports once again became fun (wait till the Champions league or NHL starts)
Take THAT
Now that the NFL is here… I say Stan, you ignorant slut.
That and the many hate mails and death threats I received from people. (Thanks Mom)
Before I go into me weekly tirade, I like to point out and say congratulations to my friend who got married over the weekend. I have never seen a bride with a better rake. My buddy Paul was parading her off like a show pony. Good luck with those fun bags.
The NFL is a masterpiece.
Tune in opening night Thursday and we get to see the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers take on the Miami Dolphins. Who is the underdog? According to betED.com – nobody. The first game is a pick-em and will be presented before our adoring eyes in a tight three-hour super-produced package. At the end of it all, the loser won’t have to start dreaming about next season. They have a chance to pick themselves up over the rest of this season and go for the Super Bowl.
NFL teams have to actually fight through a defined playoff system, which in itself is hard to get into Last season the Pittsburgh Steelers’ victory over the Seattle Seahawks in the Super Bowl was watched in an average of 45.85 million homes, the second-highest total in television history.
45.85 million homes can’t be wrong.
Now – the obligatory predictions. I figure the best way to discern who will win it all come next February 4th is to first decide who won’t...
You can dump Tennessee, St. Louis, Houston, Minnesota, New Orleans, New York Jets, Buffalo, Cleveland, Detroit, Green Bay, Oakland and San Francisco. If you are a fan, no offense… (Or defense for that matter).
Both Kansas and Arizona have plenty of the former, but little of the latter, so they’re both done. Except for Tom Brady, New England no-star moniker has finally come true. Out. Baltimore has Steve McNair now, so he should be injured by week two. Buh-bye. Maybe Miami? A weird stat is no home team has ever won a Super Bowl, and stats don’t lie. Both Jacksonville and Cincinnati’s owners must have said or done something wrong at the annual meetings, ‘cause their schedules are brutal. Tampa Bay has a great defense, but they are almost older than I am. Atlanta can run with their QB, but can’t stop anyone running at them. San Diego has the great LaDainian Tomlinson, but their QB is someone named Phillip Rivers.
Next goes the kiss of death teams. Carolina got the nod from Sports Illustrated - so they are goners. Seattle’s Shaun Alexander is on the cover of Madden 2007 – so he’ll be out before thanksgiving. Ben Roethlisberger is spending more time in the hospital than the practice field so the defending champs are toast. Terrell Owens is being Terrell Owens so the Cowboys aren’t going anywhere. Payton Manning is missing his running back and his brother hasn’t been to the post-season so the Colts and Giants are both finished.
So that leaves the Bears as the NFC Champions and Denver in the AFC.
The Bears have both the best and youngest defense in the NFL, but that won’t be enough for Jake Plummer and the balanced Broncos.
Denver 28 – Chicago 10
Sports once again became fun (wait till the Champions league or NHL starts)
Take THAT
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